Choices & Breaking Cycles

For me the effects were detrimental, destroying my family career, personal
relationships and me as an individual. Childhood sexual abuse trauma
haunted me throughout my entire life one way or the other. My experience
has been that childhood trauma is subdued and appears to have gone
away and life is good. But there may be certain triggers such as a word,
song, smell or touch that makes the memories of the emotions explode.
I have come to the realization that every time I have been in a relationship
(including with God), once it is going well and I am comfortable—I see the
good in me and in the relationship—then something happens, and I tend to
run, sabotaging and subconsciously destroying myself and the relationship.
I have walked through life numb, living in limbo, not feeling; there were
times that while I was driving, my mind was racing, not present, re-living the
past and then arriving at the destination without remembering how I even
got there. It is God’s grace that always protected me. Trauma has affected
how I socialize with others. While it is easy for me to build relationships,
I tend not to trust easily. I build walls when I do not need to, guarding myself
from the world, and I tend to please others and not speak up for myself.
I also have blamed myself for the actions of others, excusing them, while not
forgiving myself for my mistakes. This ball of yarn is called Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder (PTSD), “a mental health condition that’s triggered by a
terrifying event—either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may
include flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety as well as uncontrollable
thoughts about the event” (mayoclinic.org). Silently, I was swept away.